KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids?

scot lander1	Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? I have posted on here a few times about my 32-year-old brother who is an addict. I am definitely a daily lurker here so I thought someone might be able to clue me in on what's going through my brother's head. Here's the situation: He and his wife are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. She left and took the kids when she found out he was on meth. She is truly a strong person for being able to do this because she still loves my brother very much. Anyway, they have four beautiful little boys together ages 2, 4, 5, and 7. Up until now, my brother has been taking at least the older two boys on some weekends. Now, he has just decided not to have anything to do with any of his boys. Doesn't want to see them, talk to them on the phone, or anything. This is really painful for the oldest boy. He doesn't understand why his dad would do this. His mom is getting him into counseling to help deal with all of this. She hasn't told any of the boys what is really going due to their ages, but tells them that he is sick. So, why would he just cut himself off from his kids this way? I wonder if some part of him knows that what he is doing is bad and that's why is has chosen to disconnect from his kids. But then I think why doesn't he just make the choice to stop this and get help and then he can be with his boys. Then I think maybe it is just manipulation and more lies. As you can see, I just go around in circles about this. And I realize none of you are my brother, so you can't definitely say why he would do this. But any input would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long. I'm just frustrated!
Replies...
imlost inky	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? Scotlander, it could be any of the reasons you already have in your mind. All of the above. It could be as simple as his way of distancing himself from the world- to sink deeper into addiction. As an addict, to see your loved ones when you are high, makes it painfully obvious what you are doing to yourself. As an addict, you see your reflection and it contrasts so greatly with what is in your mind. It could be that the boys interfere with his high. Limits his freedom, his movement, his tweaking activities. It could be it is his way of getting even with his soon to be ex-wife- I'll show her, I just won't be there anymore, let her do it without me. Mostly, my feel- guilt. If he takes a call then he has to tell them some lie as to why he isn't coming. He still wants to keep his God status. He can't do that if he is making them cry. If he doesn't hear it, then it isn't happening. That would be my best guess. Kudos to Mom for getting the counseling started. That is awesome on her part- she sounds like a wife your brother is really going to regret losing for meth. I hope he gets a reality check before it really is too late.
luve piphany	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? Well....meth does very odd things to the decision making parts of the addict. The dis-ease of addiction brings on many illogical and unloving behaviors, but meth addiction dis-ease seems to top them all in the Un Loving department from what I have seen. If you have read many of the stories of spouses of meth addicts or significant others who have children with the addict, you must have seen how common it is to become insensitive even to your own child or children. It's inhuman, but it is happening all the time. I do believe that deep inside underneath the methdemon lies, the meth addict IS trying to do what is right for his/her loved ones-especially the children. But it's deep. Way too deep for a non user to understand. I know and love a meth addict that has alienated and rejected all family (even the ones he grew up with) except for sometimes me (we are like family) when he will come home every 7-10 days to take a bite of love, the real world and my heart. Believe me, HE KNOWS how much he hurts everyone. He refuses to stop the rejection...or at least he chooses not to. Some might say that he is just so sick and wacked out on the meth, but that is not the case here. He knows what he does is cruel but he believes the meth lies in his head telling him to stay away for some bizarre reason. And then, perhaps it is God's way of protecting those who love instead of hate.... I hope and pray that your sil has support in alanon/naranon, counseling, church or something with a spiritual program because she NEEDS it. The older boys for sure would be helped with counseling or a mentorship. If you are close at all, I would beg of you to step in where you can and love those kids as much as possible.
So much guilt	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? Honestly, I would be terrified for the children to go to their dads since he's using meth. It's a very difficult situation. Kids truly understand more than we think. I think honesty is the only way. The kids can't be lied to about what's going on. The truth can be told without the fine details. You have to understand that it's the meth that's controlling him and not wanting his children around. He is trapped in an addiction and it would truly be in the best interest of the kids not to go there. If the truth be kept from children, they will soon find out the truth and then look upon those that kept the truth from them as not be trusting. They may have more emotional problems as a end result, Who are they to trust??? It's not easy, but kids can't be kept in the dark. I'm so sorry what is happening to you and your family. Hold each other tight and hope and pray that he can find a way to escape the grips of meth. It will destroy him and everyone around him. Your brother has to do this on his own. You are not responsible for his choices, nor is his wife or his children. I will say a pray for everyone. The children need to be educated and aware of this drug that will take over this world if it's not stopped. It is already. God Bless You!
Ignor amus	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? I can't say anything here that hasn't already been said. I know how terrifying and uncertain this time is for you... The kids need a role model, so be one for them. That's all I can say. There's no way of understanding what's going on his head, because every addict has a different reason for avoiding their children (or other loved ones). It's heartbreaking, it truly is. But the bottom line is that he is not there, he is beyond your reach, or the reach of his kids, until he hits his bottom. So just take all that worry and confusion and anger and hurt and the billion other confounding feelings that loved ones feel....And turn it into pride and love for the kids. That's all you can do. I wish there was more. But until he cleans up, it's probably best that he isn't around them. And take this time to explain to the age-appropriate children that it is meth. They'll get a whole slew of misinformation about drugs from their schools and the media. This is a firsthand account of the reality of meth. (Which, as always, is just my opinion)
scot lander1	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? I want to thank you so much for your replies. You have given me more things to consider in this situation which is very helpful. Like a lot of other loved ones on this board, I have such a hard time understanding my brother and his actions. I guess the point is that I will NEVER understand. His boys are so very precious and I just can't imagine not wanting them. To sosoconfused- I also have the same concerns you do for the boys' safety so his decision not to see his kids is not all bad. My brother is currently living with our grandmother (which is a whole other problem) so the kids did have other supervision. These boys are in a much better place now as my sister-in-law is living with her parents. Her dad is such a wonderful role model for the boys. One of them has autism and since moving in with her parents, he has gotten so much better just being in a different environment. So I they are definitely in a stable home. It's just so difficult to figure out how to tell a child that their father is an addict and he doesn't want them anymore. I think counseling will definitely help with that. Again, thanks for your views on this. They help more than you know.
Tender hearts KS	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? *Quote:* I guess the point is that I will NEVER understand Some things just aren't meant to understand. I spent my early recovery analyzing, dissecting, trying to figure out why ALL the time! My sponsor told me he was going to nail my shoes to the floor if I didn't slow down! The end result was I was NOT working on self, I was not focusing on 'what can I do now' while I was busy with all the 'but why' crap. Some whys are just never meant to be known, but we always have the power to ask 'what can I do now to be a part of the solution' and act on that
jes78	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? i believe it stems from guilt and just is the cycle of using. i would feel so guilty for missing visits, so i would use more. if i was straight i would just remember i didn't have her and wonder what she was thinking, did she think i just left, did she know she was taken, did she think i didn't love her, etc. so i used more and just made it worse.
nine years clean	Re: Why would a meth addict stop seeing his kids? *Quote:* But then I think why doesn't he just make the choice to stop this and get help and then he can be with his boys. Because right now all he can think about, all he can live for, is his next dose. His conscience, his very moral foundation, have shrunk into the furthest recesses of his mind. Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does. That's the way it is. He is beyond choosing to use meth; he now MUST use to feel normal. IMHO I'm sorry.